Before digging deeper into the topic I wanted to clarify that love in this case means love relationships and how to live a fulfilled life having a partner who is truly in your highest good. From a spiritual perspective, love is most often referred to unconditional universal self-love. One of our purposes on earth is to learn how to love ourselves, not as the ego thinks to find others, a partner, who loves us. Only when we love ourselves fully and unconditionally we can give that same love to others. If we ask them to love us we deprive them to love themselves first and at the same time we deprive ourselves of our own love. If we don’t love ourselves fully all we can perceive for others is compassion. With the feeling that love is outside of us comes the emotion that we have to add to ourselves (love or other things that bring us joy) in order to be fulfilled. When in truth we only have to listen to our internal voice that will have us feel how loveable, beautiful, magnificent and complete we are without anybody else. Hence, others are like the cherry on top of the ice-cream.
Here are the 5 ingredients I found helpful to consider when engaging in a romantic soulful partnership:
- Competition:
Sometimes we feel that there’s a competition of who gets to date the most handsome man or the most beautiful girl as if that person was a trophy that we could show around, that would add to our value and our own perceived self-worth. He/she is not! In fact, there is no “thing” that could add to your worth as your worth is already immeasurable. By intending to do so you only objectify the other person. By objectifying them you don’t see their inner being, their inner beauty. Hence, when looking at a potential partner don’t look at their superficial characteristics but rather at how they make you feel like, whether you feel comfortable around them, whether you are both having fun and laugh when being together.
2. Compatibility:
Whether you’re compatible with another person doesn’t depend on physical characteristics such as age, gender, religion, ethnicity, etc. If somebody else’s life purpose, the reason why they are here on earth, the mission that they are here to fulfil, is similar to yours that means you are most likely compatible with that person. When you are on purpose you automatically attract in those people that are able to support you on your mission so that you can expand and grow together. When you are not on your mission the people you will meet are most likely there to teach you a lesson in order to bring you on your purpose path. Staying too long with a person that doesn’t support you on your path might be draining, not only to you but to the other person as well. So think about this: Why should the universe send you a person to help you with your purpose if you’re not even on your life purpose path yourself? Fully immerse into your purpose and you’ll experience how easy everything feels in life and how things are just falling into place… into the places they are supposed to be.
3. Conflict:
When I had the first conflict with my now husband and back then best spiritual friend I felt devastated. Did he not understand me? Where did I go wrong? Was I not the good person or friend I used to think I was?
Sometimes conflicts arise when there’s a limitation or limiting belief on both sides— that’s if both people involved in the argument get triggered. If only one person gets triggered only this person has limitations to clear. Most people (as they are not being taught about this in school or by anybody else) are actually ashamed of their limiting beliefs or at least they try to hide them by denying that they exist in the first place. It’s interesting and most important to mention that your limiting beliefs are actually not your own. They don’t belong to you as you might think. We are just so used to them that we perceive them like our old friends that we invited over and we just don’t want to let go of them or allow them to leave because we like them so much since we’re so familiar with them. We identified with them! Therefore, people usually don’t look within themselves after an argument. At least not deeply enough to clear the limitations once and for all. They choose to repeat the same old pattern or argument based on the same behavioural pattern throughout their lives or even multiple lifetimes without thinking twice. Or should I say feeling twice? As we can feel all triggers in our body, mostly in our stomach or visceral nervous system. Most people repress their feelings and triggers (limiting beliefs) deep into their subconscious minds, try to make superficial peace with the other person and with themselves and move on. But in truth, the emotion and the limiting belief is still there, ready to bubble up to the surface any time that the person gets triggered in a similar way, it’s just like a deeper scar now.
Another, more healthy method to deal with arguments is to spend time alone after the conflict. I for instance, went walking in nature after having fought with my back then best friend. When you’re in solitude ask yourself: “What am I really feeling for the other person?” You could, for instance blame them or be angry with them. Try to bring out all emotions and write them down. Give them the time and space to fully be expressed. Afterwards, go into a meditative state and ask yourself: “What am I really feeling for myself? Do I blame myself? Am I angry with myself?” Go through all the emotions that you wrote down before. Look at situations that come up, when you felt the same way, situations that you associate with the current conflict. Then you can ask yourself (still in a meditative state) what really happened in all those situations, where does that emotion truly come from. Sometimes it helps to put it into an imaginary package and send it back to that person. Integrate the truth about those situations (especially about the first situation you felt this way) into every aspect of yourself, of your being. Try to sit in that truth and experience it on every level until you feel the emotions and triggers fading away.
4. Communication:
Notice the language you used when growing up, the tone when speaking to your parents, siblings or friends. All this is an indicator of whether you grew up in a rather loving environment of parents who are understanding and want to support their children in an unconditional loving way of becoming themselves and grow into their individuality while respecting their very own truthful wants and wishes… Or was it rather a rough environment with a lot of judgment, criticism and comparison between you and the other siblings or friends? What I found is that more often than not, the parental relationship displays patterns that are being repeated (consciously or subconsciously) by the child and their spouse/romantic partner. This may sound a little bit hard… are you ready for the truth? Here’s a scenario that may serve as an example for when the parents are not energetically compatible. There is no balance of energies, that means there is always a drain as the energies can’t be multiplied but are rather absorbed and misused/drained.
For instance, if the mother is searching for love from the father, she could attract someone in who feels inferior to her and therefore is an easy “pray”, hence, she is asking a lot of his attention and love and thereby draining his energy by being demanding or dominant. The father is willing to give as he might think that putting someone else first, in the sense of serving his spouse and her needs also makes him happy and gives him the feeling of being a good husband. He is accepting the role of putting himself second and the needs of his wife first. In similar ways, their child could try to recreate the same pattern leading to dissatisfaction in relationships and paring up more often than not with partners who are energetically not compatible with them.
How can such deep behavioural patterns be broken apart and removed? Awareness is the first step, there is also the possibility to clear them on a DNA level so that future generations won’t get affected from the same unhealthy behavioural patterns as well.
5. Calling the other person out:
This is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned being in a relationship with a partner who is aware of his energy: It is not impolite to call somebody out or to interrupt them when they are caught up in a fictional story their mind has made up. Calling them out when they “misbehave” or simply overstep your boundaries does not only help you in the pursue of demanding respect, reinforcing your boundaries, speaking and standing in your truth but also helps them. And here is how: When the other person is not in their truth, the energy they are emitting is inadequate and it’s not theirs to begin with. They absorbed it from another being, situation or got it via osmosis. Help them to get rid of it in order to be in peace and harmony with themselves again. Here is an example: Sometimes when I’m worried about finances or paying the rent I get into an emotional state and blame my husband for spending too much money on irrelevant things. This is not my energy to begin with since I’m an abundant being and the energy of money is only another energy that is already within me. My husband is used to call me out in such situations and he would ask me something along the line of: “Are you trying to give me a guilt trip?” This repels the energy so that he doesn’t absorb the guilt and stores it in his body or subconscious mind. On the other hand, I realise that I overstepped the boundary and that in order to get back into my own energy I should energetically clear myself.
The list could go on and on and maybe in the future I will even add some more interesting insights after the 5th anniversary of being married to an intuitive guide and healer. The 6th “C” could be to “celebrate”: Celebrate your relationship all the time and not only during special occasions like birthdays. Be grateful for what you have in your life and the characteristics that you like about your partner. In the end it is your choice whether you want to focus on the lack of what’s not there or celebrate what you already have and cultivate more of it.